Sunday, March 23, 2014

Take a Seat

Who would keep fighting a battle when they've already conquered hell? 

Who would make bail and yet choose to remain in their cell? 

Who would keep searching for the cure when they've already been made well?

And who would desperately try to cover stains that have long been washed farewell? 

I would. 
I have. 
I do.

I just want to make Him proud. I'm determined to make the Lord pleased with me. 

I'll try harder. I'll do better next time. Then he'll really love me...right? 

"Love me!" my heart craves, cries, begs. 

"I do!" His Word promises again and again.

What heights, what depths (Eph. 3:18); He loved us first (1 John 4:19); a love that surpasses knowledge (Eph. 3:19); I have loved you (John 15:9); the Father loves you (John 16:27); He gave himself for you (Eph. 5:2); and on and on.

But that slimy serpents slithers through the grooves of my cerebellum whispering the age old lie, "Did God really say...?" 

So, I doubt.

And I allow the Enemy to convince me that I'm surely but one misstep away from God leaving me this way - forever.

You know the saying, "If it's too good to be true then it probably isn't true"? Well, HIM loving ME is too good to be true. 

I'm not wanted enough, disciplined enough, worthy enough, likable enough, together enough, redeemable enough, (fill in the blank) enough.

Enough, enough already! 

You'd think I'd know better by now. You'd think, I'd have enough "whatever" to overcome this doubt. You'd think I'd be stronger, wiser, more now. 

What is wrong with me?

Me, me, me. 

There I go again. Looking at me when I should be looking at Him. 

Should be, ought to. 

Always comparing, measuring, always falling short.

Still believing the lie that I have at least some ability to save myself.

How long, Lord, will You let me be haunted by my inadequacies? How long will you allow me to chase after Your love? Where is this "rest" You talk about? Where is the "easy yoke"? Where is all the "free, free indeed"? 

I was certain that, by now, you would have healed me. 

But here I am, once again: same doubts, same shame, same prayer, same plea, same demons, same struggle...

same hope,
         same trust,
                 same faith,
                             same today, 
                                               and tomorrow.

You've been good, you are good, you will be good.

Whether you choose to give me deliverance from my doubt,
or grace for the moment, I will praise you.

If a broken and contrite heart you will never despise, then I'm in luck, because broken and contrite is all I have, it's all I am...

but it's all yours. 

I have no choice but to trust Him, to wait on Him, to hold on, for dear life, to the glimpses, to the promises, to the marvelous mystery of a God who, while we were still sinners, rejecting him, mocking him, even crucifying him, would willingly sacrifice himself to earn us, earn ME, a seat at His table. 

If he did that for us - for me - then surely he isn't 
disappointed when I pull out a chair, and actually 


  1. Keep writing. I just found your blog, and discovered that your posts are trickling the last couple of years. Keep writing. Your experiences matter; your story matters. Remember that!! I have shared your "Expectations vs. Expectancy" post this morning on FB. Having your perspective and voice helps. Looking forward to reading more! My name is Christian, by the way. I, too, am a writer. Have a wonderful day!

    1. Thanks so much! I wish I could develop the discipline to write more consistently. Do you have a blog?

  2. Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen

    This article is dedicated to the Doctor Osemu Okpamen. I have been married with my wife for 5 years and recently she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply when she told me to leave her alone and that she does not love me anymore when i was always faithful and honest to her. I tried all the ways to get her back buying her what she wants like i always did and she still left me heart broken and she even has a new boyfriend which destroyed me even more until a friend of mine from high school directed me to this genuine spell Doctor called Osemu Okpamen. This man changed my life completely. I followed everything he told me to do and my wife came back begging for me back. I was stunned everything happened exactly like he told me. I had faith in everything he told me and everything was true. Also he was there every moment until i got my happiness back and he also provides spells that cures any diseases & sickness. You could contact him via email at { } or visit his website or reach him on +1 (914)-517-3229. He will help you in anything you need and quick to answer once you contact him.

  3. I am very grateful to Doctor Omoluyi for bringing back my Husband after 2 years of separation due to pressure from his family and business associate saying that i am not the same country and different believe.. This Joan Robert From Miami Florida. After enough searching and surfing on the internet, I saw a post made by Peter Dashy from Canada referring of how he was helped by Doctor Omoluyi. I also decided to contact the Doctor for help because i was desperate to get back my lovely Husband. I followed all his instructions and he promised me that my husband will get back to me within 12 to 18 hours after he has finished with the preparation of the spell. And now, am finally a complete woman with my man back by my side. To also get your help from this great Doctor Omoluyi, Email: ( ).